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Sometimes It’s Not About Being Right

tumblr_mk2g1wWwsQ1qfg1pgo1_500I’ve lost some friends whether it be recently, or in the past, because of my drive to consistently be right. I know I don’t always need to be right, and even when I think I’m right does not mean I have to interject my opinion into the conversation. I’ve learned that being right all the time does not make you better than those around you, and if you think it does than I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you because I used to be like that to. If I knew I was right I had to prove it, even when there was no need to. Most of the time when you correct someone you just annoy them and make them not want to be around you. There is nothing worse than having a conversation with someone and they or someone else just has to correct you on a particular fact or event. Usually when we correct people it does not radically alter the conversation, or even enhance it.

What is with this obsession anyways? When you correct someone even if it makes you feel better, putting down someone else should never be a reason to make yourself feed good. I’ve had friends in conversation with me correct me aggressively (as it always comes off) to then apologize for it. I find this bizarre, because the only reason they apologize is because they feel like they’ve upset the other person. The apology is not usually because they genuinely feel bad, but it’s used as a way to make themselves feel better about the situation. Again, what was the point in having to be right if you end up apologizing anyways?

Then there are situations where I’ve had friends correct me to impress other people in the room. I think this may be the ultimate friend killer. Nothing is worse than in the middle of a conversation having someone correct you on your story in front of people. Was that absolutely necessary? Heck no. Now everyone in the room may feel uncomfortable telling their stories in fear that their stories will be corrected. Seriously, was it really worth it?

Above all, I think correcting people constantly shows that you aren’t really listening to the conversation. It just shows that you’re waiting for a place to jump in and speak, and not really listening to the words the other person is saying. Nobody likes someone who cannot listen, and must compulsively always speak during a conversation. Sometimes you just need to sit back and listen to someone. By doing this you gain so much perspective on that person and their situation, instead of trying to figure out if a fact they used is correct or not.

Conversation shouldn’t be about one upping someone. It shouldn’t be about interjecting your voice when it wasn’t invited in or necessary. Conversation should be a dialogue of words exchanged, but most importantly the other person should feel heard. Being right all the time doesn’t lead to healthy or successful relationships with other people; it just makes people want to stop talking to you.

All anyone ever wants is to be heard. Everyone wants to feel like their voice matters, and by constantly correcting people you’re just diminishing that person’s voice. Maybe on some things (like directions) you can correct someone, but for the most part it’s honestly just not worth it at all.

If anything, you don’t have to be right all the time, but you do just need to be there to listen. Life isn’t all about being right. It isn’t about always feeling like you have or know all the answers. The truth is you don’t have all the answers because nobody has all the answers, so stop acting like you know everything. Instead of choosing to be right, just choose to be happy.

(Photo taken from tumblr).

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Notes on Caring for the Wrong Person to Avoid Being Alone

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Have you ever just loved somebody so much that this love becomes your everything? That no words can describe how much you care for this person?

The only way to possibly describe it is when this person contacts you it’s as if your heart is running a marathon, and can only be slowed down by this person’s voice or their words. This person consumes you. They consume your thoughts in the morning, your mid-afternoon break from work, and of course, your thoughts right before you fall asleep. They even somehow sneak into your dreams as a reminder to not forget them. What this person thinks about you means everything to you. When you get a message from them that indicates that they may be upset with you, it’s time to break out the Betty Crocker and fix this situation with an ‘I’m sorry cake.’

The thing is that in this situation you’re putting in all the work and getting very little love or attention back. In the relationship it is you consistently putting forth an effort to receive the occasional ‘I love you.’ The worst part is that you don’t care, because you don’t see it from this perspective.

You’ll convince yourself this person is your light at the end of the cave after spending years of wadding through bad date after bad date. They are the small stream leaking in and helping you feel warmth again. They are that warmth, and the only way to really describe this person is that they are your everything.

Now everything is a really big word to use. I mean big in the sense that to be ‘everything’ is kind of a scary thought to have. To have someone as your everything is as if that person is apart of you, almost as if they are attached to your body. This person becomes the best and worst parts of your existence. There will be times when you make excuses for this person, and tell yourself that they had a stressful day and cannot pay that much attention to you. You will take their one nice comment about your appearance to mean everything. This person more often than not makes you more upset than happy, but you stay with them because caring for this person is easier than being alone.

Caring about this person can be compared to having a full-time job. Except everyday you’re working overtime, and there’s no holiday pay in this career.

For some reason you find yourself consistently wondering how a person can be so great, so together, and everything you ever wanted. You make this person become your everything because they love you, because they sometimes accept you at your worst, and have deluded yourself into thinking that they make you want to be your best self.

All the fighting with this person will make no sense. Enough of these fights will finally lead to resentment of the other person, and pure confusion on why you two are even fighting in the first place. You’ll want to go back to the time when things felt still, to when they were your light at the end of the cave. What happened to this person? The truth is that you are beginning to see what everyone else sees, and the veil on this person as your perfect somebody is starting to crumble. Eventually spending time with them may feel like a chore, a chore you cannot get out of because apart of you still feels so connected to this individual, while other parts of you are screaming to leave. At last enough of these moments can lead to a catastrophic blow up.

The worst part about caring for this person is that losing them creates feelings you didn’t even know could exist. Places on your body will hurt far more than the time you broke your leg. Days are so much longer than you have ever known, and the nights will be restless. Your bed will feel empty, slowing losing the shape of that person who shared it for so many nights with you. You may even feel empty, not having that person to call when something goes wrong, or even when something goes right. Your heart is broken… but that’s okay.

We care a lot because we don’t want to be alone. Sometimes we care for people even when they show little affection because it beats being lonely. Sometimes we care too much for the wrong people in hopes that they will finally show us some love back. Sometimes we care just enough for the right people who still leave us heartbroken. There is solace in being alone though. There is comfort in the ability to be alone with yourself and not feel lonely. Needing someone else there usually leads to having the wrong person beside you, and not the one who will make you better or stronger. Regardless, the important thing is that we care, and that we always keep caring. We must not let those who hurt us make us cold.

Quote

Diane di Prima.

It is still news to her that passion
could steer her wrong
though she went down, a thousand times
strung out
across railroad tracks, off bridges
under cars, or stiff
glass bottle still in hand, hair soft
on greasy pillows, still it is
news she cannot follow love (his
burning footsteps in blue crystal
snow) & still
come out all right.

 

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Notes On Loving An Ideal And Not The Person


They’re perfect, aren’t they? The way they say your name, or the way their voice crackles in the morning when they try to say hello to you makes you know they care about you. The way their fingers crash into your hair, or collide with yours as you walk side by side down the street offers moments of silent perfection. But all this colliding and touching isn’t what you like about them, its just extra. You like that they make you feel special, that when you receive a text message from them your heart feels like it may leap out of your chest, a smile so wide appears on your face that the entirety of Starbucks thinks you’re crazy. But you don’t care. Their affection over these text message exchanges or brief phone calls is what keeps you coming back for more.

You’re in love with the idea of this person. Their physicality is great and all, but it’s the romantic ideals that you are building this person to be that is making you fall in love with them. It’s their words over a screen that you can interpret how you want that make you want them, desire them, and care for them. The rest is extra. This person when not physically present is who you want them to be. They’re this heroic, majestic, out of this world attractive person who you cannot believe is paying any attention to you. They’re this unrealistic romantic whose humour and wit is unmatched. They’re this great ideal of a mix between Jay Gatsby and Seth Cohen that you’re falling madly in love with.

Except they aren’t this person. You think they’re this person and they’re only this person as far as you are projecting the image onto them to be like this. They’re great, so don’t doubt that. But they aren’t what you want them to be. They cannot live up to this romantic, heroic, majestic ideal you want them to be because no one is that ideal. Not even Fitzgerald was Gatsby, but he was the creator of this elusive, handsome character. That’s what you’re doing. You’re creating a character, and unfairly wishing for this great person to be who you want them to be. You desperately want an ideal, not the person.

This is unfolding before your eyes. The more time you spend with them you realize that they’re okay, but they are nothing like you thought they were. Where is this magic you first felt? Where did their wit and charm disappear to?

It was never there. These ideas were all in your head, and you had tricked yourself into thinking this person was your character. They were a figment of your imagination and now its unraveling.

You don’t love this person. You love what you have made this person. You love the ideals you have built up in your head. You are in love with love, not with them. Loving someone, and loving the idea of someone are two very separate things. Please do not forget that.

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My Strung Out Apology to Taylor Swift

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I will fully admit that I used to hate Taylor Swift. I just did not like her. I had no reason to dislike her of course, but I was influenced by media interpretations that she is a boy crazy idiot whose music has no validity in our current culture. I’ve actually written a blog post previously ripping apart her song “I Knew You Were Trouble,” and pretty much demonizing her for the song. (I will keep this post up as I think it’s important to show my previous assumptions about her). I at one point believed that she was just some girl who tricked guys into liking her than would turn psycho and write songs from an unfair perspective. I had taken the perspective of the male dating her, but not even that specific male’s opinion, but one that had been formulated by different media outlets for that particular male. I unfairly judged her for having feelings, and went as far to even slut shame her for writing about the men in her life. So Taylor, I am sincerely sorry for this.

This was absolutely crazy of me. For one whoever Taylor dates is not my business, and while she does write about her relationships, it is not fair for me to make assumptions about her relationships. It is even more unfair for me to take the male’s side because I used to feel guilty for them having a song written about them. While writing this now I actually cannot believe how horrible my judgements were to a woman who I do believe is strong, and at times, fearless. I still believe that some of Taylor’s image and messages in her songs are problematic, and can be too male centric in the sense that some of her songs (like Fifteen) only describe a girls worth based on her virginity, but I’m not here to write specifically on my issues with her image.

Rather, this is my apology to you Taylor Swift. I’m sorry that as a female when you write about your feelings that you are attacked for having these feelings and being too “emotional.” You are not too emotional because there is no such thing as being too emotional. You have feelings, and you express them. Clearly a lot of people care about your feelings because you sell out stadiums upon stadiums, have a number one album, and are a style icon to girls all over the world.

You are attacked for having your relationships go wrong, and the blame from many media sources is placed solely on you for being a “psycho.” The media worsens these accusations when you write songs like “I Knew You Were Trouble,” saying you should have known better and you did this to yourself. You are victimized for being a human being and again, your feelings. I know this because I have blamed you as well. I have been on the side that laughs as your relationship falls apart, or believes the media’s every report about you being “crazy” in your relationships because I did not like you. Again, my dislike of you had no validity.

As a woman your womanhood is consistently attacked and you are told to stop writing about your feelings, or you writing about your feelings is a teenage gimmick and you need to grow up. I love that you just write more songs about your feelings, continue to sell out stadiums, while these people are just stuck left to continuously insult you instead of just accepting that this is who you are as an artist (and as a smart business woman).

I love that when a boy breaks your heart or hurts your feelings that you write about it. I think more women need to express their feelings, all their feelings, and not just the ones that we are told to express by society. By you writing about the highs and lows of your relationship you show girls/women that they can feel a range of emotion in relationships, and that getting their heart broken does not mean their world is over, or that it will make them failures in life.

You are successful. Hell, no one can question that. You are a woman in charge running her show and knowing who she is (or at least that is what it appears like). Again, I wish you would write more songs not just about boys, but I can understand that boys are apart of your life, and if you want to write about them than go for it.

This strung out post is just my way of trying to apologize to you Taylor. I think you are smart, strong, successful, and I’m sorry that you are so often made into a villain.

Please keep writing about your feelings and show that as an artist, an entertainer, and a performer you are not going to let other people define your style of music, or tell you what is appropriate or inappropriate for women to write about.

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The 27 Reasons You’re A Tween Test

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Unlike a lot of people I can fully admit that I’m a tween. I’m a fully functioning intelligent adult, but sometimes I have the emotions of a small tween girl. To quickly define a tween it is a young person between the ages of 10-12 who usually partakes in loving boy bands, and is just beginning their obsession with cultural items/things/people.

I have put together a list of tween things. If you like anything on this list you may have tween tendencies. It will be okay though.

1. Do you love One Direction?
2. Do you think abbreviating words such as ‘you’ to ‘U’ or ‘are’ to ‘R’ is okay?
3. Do you still not know the difference between there, their, and they’re?
4. Still debating on if you love One Direction?
5. Did you purchase Justin Biebers Christmas album, or acoustic album?
6. Have you ever seen Justin Bieber live?
7. Do you want to see him live?
8. Did you “accidently” stumble upon gossip sites to see who Justin Bieber or Harry Styles is dating?
9. Do you have a tumblr that follows people who post fanfictions?
10. Are you now googling for a Jonas Brothers fanfiction?
11. Do you still adore the JoBros? Or do you use this abbreviation to describe them?
12. Are you disgusted by drinking coffee, but will down frappuccinos?
13. Is Starbucks Frappuccino happy hour your fave thing of all time?
14. Do you shorten words to ‘fave’ ‘presh’ ‘adorbs?’
15. Do you and your friends debate which male celebrity has the best hair instead of the best abs?
16. Does Taylor Swift just get your soul?
17. Are you a frequent visitor to blogs that defend Taylor Swifts music and you feel very passionate about defending her to everyone you know?
18. Is Taylor Swift your style icon?
19. Do you listen to 8 tracks playlists that are about boy band members?
20. Did your friend buy you a boy band poster for your birthday as a “joke,” and you hung it up only as a “joke?”
21. Do you listen to ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ when sober…and know all the words?
22. Can you not decide if your favourite colour is pink or rainbow?
23. Do you think Miley Cyrus is a fashion icon/ good singer?
24. Do you hate Miley Cyrus because she is dating Liam Hemsworth?
25. Are you happy Justin and Selena broke up?
26. Do you know what Larry is?
27. Do you wish you had Selena Gomez’s hair? This one’s a trick. We all wish we did.

* There are a lot of One Direction references because of their outrageous relevance to tweens right now…and my “joking” love for them. 

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I’m Trying Out Tinder So You Don’t Have To

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Tinder is actually a serious problem. It’s mildly okay when sober, but when you’re drunk prepare yourself for the gates of hell to open. You’re going to open that Pandora’s box and you cannot simply just close it the next day.

As a preface: Tinder is a social media application for Iphone users. It connects to your Facebook (without actually posting on it), uses your first name, your choice of photos, and has a small biography you can include. Essentially you like or do not like someone’s photo, and if you like their photo and they have liked yours you can have a conversation with one another.

As I’m sure you can deduce, when you’re sober this is a perfect idea. You’re just being social with other Iphone users, and you are in full control of what you’re typing and your level of wit. When you’re drunk it is an entire new playing field. You may think you’re being witty, clever, and hilarious, but you really are just being obnoxious, incoherent, and kind of weird.

I dislike speaking to people on this app because I’m so awkward as a person, and I don’t need more social media applications for me to be weird on. This is of course the opposite when I’m drunk. I’m sending insane messages thinking I’m being hilarious when in reality I’m just showcasing my awkwardness on a larger worse scale to strangers. 

You also meet other drunk, obnoxious, incoherent people who too think they are being witty and clever. This can result in you giving them your real phone number, and texting them details about meeting up with them. This is actually a terrible idea. When you’re drunk your idea of attractive is already weakened, and when you have an app like Tinder is becomes a free for all. You may text this person outrageous things, saying how you cannot wait to meet up, and before you know it they know your full name, and have you on Twitter, and Facebook.

It’s actually a nightmare situation. The thing is with giving people your actual phone number is that you cannot reverse it. They have your number, and they may text you 10 times between the hours of 10:00am and 11:00am…and that’s just one hour.

An even more nightmare situation is when you’re drunk Tindering and they are sober. I love to make plans when drunk, because honestly, who doesn’t? The worst is having them think it is a real, authentic plan, and the guilt that arises from not actually wanting to follow through with said plan. Pulling out the old ‘My phone is almost dead/broken’ card can be a good go to as a way of avoiding actually hanging out with them.

I personally have never met up in person with someone on Tinder, but from the stories I have heard from my friends it is awkward, uncomfortable, and generally painful to be there.

For now I’ll stay on Tinder as like a lot of 20-somethings I enjoy making bad decisions when drunk, cringing when I think of said story, and then eventually putting it into my rotation of stories for others.

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A Cynics Guide to Birthdays

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Birthdays are something that genuinely confuse me. I honestly do not understand why people are so serious about the day they were pushed into the world? Perhaps I am too cynical (which I haven’t totally ruled out), but I think it goes deeper than that. A birthday is supposed to celebrate the day you were born. It marks the one day every year that you entered the ‘real’ world and exited your mother’s womb. So congrats on that feat? How was chilling in the womb for you? Was it good? I have no idea what my womb experience was, so I presume the same goes for everyone else.

I literally do not know anything about the hospital room I was birthed into. I don’t remember the car ride home, or my first night’s sleep. Do you know why? Well, to put it simply, I had not yet developed any sort of memory capacity. This fuels my confusion even more to why there is so much significance on the day I do not even remember, and will never remember any details from?

Why must I host a party where I am expected to get belligerently wasted, and not remember that night at all? Is this an homage to my first day in the ‘real’ world? Maybe, just maybe I’ve cracked the code to birthdays now. But seriously, can someone who is a birthday enthusiast explain the hoo-ha of this one day to me?

I don’t get why I need a day where all the attention is on me, and where I have to bring all of my different friends groups together who have to then awkwardly interact with one another. I personally do not do well under pressure, so this could also contribute to why I dislike birthdays so greatly. Birthdays= the most pressure of the entire year. Your birthday party is judged based on how many people show up and what bar/club you choose to have your birthday at. This does not take into account people like me who do not like to hang around a lot of people at once/do not know an extravagant amount of people to come drink and be gross humans at my house for the night just so I look hip and cool.

Basically, my point is that I literally did nothing to be brought into this world. If anything, we should celebrate our parents who did all the work. I did not carry myself around in pain for 9 months, or help take care of my mother during her pregnancy. We honestly should be thanking our mothers for putting up with us for 9 months while we stretched out their bodies, and made their ankles extremely swollen and sore.

So thank you mother. Thank you father. Both of you gave me life which was pretty awesome of you. So this year on my birthday when there are not gross humans in my house ruining where I pay money to live, I will channel Beyonce’s ‘Grown Woman,’ because I can do whatever I want.

(Photo from Tumblr) 

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Notes on Loving Someone Who is in Love With Somebody Else

No matter how hard you try, this person will never love you. It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s because they can’t. While it’s possible to love two people at once, someone always comes out on top, and sweetie, it isn’t you.

Sometimes people are emotionally unavailable, and they just keep other people around to fill their lonely void until the person they truly want reciprocates their love. There is no amount of text messages, phone calls, late night talk sessions that can change this. You cannot and will not make this person love you.

But you’re still going to try.

You’re still going to log onto Facebook chat at 3 am just to talk to them even though your body is craving sleep. You’re still going to bring them their coffee favourites because maybe this coffee will make them realize that you’re meant to be together. You’re still going to blow off hanging out with your other friends because you not only want to hang out with this other person, but you need to. Lastly, even when they finally tell you that they don’t love you, you’re still going to love them.

Even though everyone around you tells you that this person is wrong for you, you will smile and nod, because you’re off in your own thoughts trying to scheme ways to make this person fall deeply in love with you.

When you receive a text from this person your smile will feel as if it’s cutting into your cheeks, the folds of your smile burning from the joy this person makes you feel. Anytime you hear their name your heart picks up, ecstatic at the mere mention of this persons existence. You will not realize that other people are trying to hit on you/and or are interested in you because this person consumes your love.

But they don’t deserve it.

All of the coffee, and Iming, and late night talks cannot make someone love you. It will not transform this person’s feelings for somebody else to you. They will still constantly talk about the other person, how they bring them coffee, talk to them late at night, and you will eventually realize that they are performing the same act you are—but just not for you.

Your smile will continue to burn, but not for your love of this person, but from the fake smile you now put on for this individual. Slowly, you will acknowledge your performance, and how you have been spending all your time just trying—trying—and hoping that they will love you.

It’s okay to be in love with somebody who doesn’t love you. When you finally realize that they don’t love you, it’s time to pack up your love and move on.

(Photo from Tumblr)

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5 Ways of Achieving Glen Coco Status Levels of Cool

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I would like to make a very general statement and believe that Glen Coco is secretly everyone’s alter ego. He gets a lot of candy canes in the movie Mean Girls, and the phrase ‘YOU GO GLEN COCO’ shouted out by Damian signals that the name Glen Coco must be correlated with anything awesome.

Thus, Glen Coco is everything amazing, and you cannot seriously tell yourself that you do not want to be associated with that?

Since 2004 I have been trying to figure out how to Glen Coco myself within my social circle. Here are the 5 ways I have figured out how to do so:

1. Literally Be Positive.
I use the word ‘literally’ because you have to mean it. Everyone likes the positive friend who does not bring negativity to the group. How can you not envy the person that does not bad mouth anyone, and always has the greatest advice, and is ready to talk whenever it is convenient for you? You cannot hate this person, and if you do, then sorry hun, but you’re probably the mean gossip friend who needs to get an attitude change.

2. Stop Being So Stingy.
Sometimes it’s nice of you to buy things for your friends. Get that pitcher or nachos on you. Stop trying to weasel your way out of spending money on your friends. If you are going out already and your friend asks you to get them some avocados, just do it. They will (hopefully) pay you back later. This rule really only applies to people with trustworthy friends who will actually pay them back. Otherwise, carry on.

3. Being Funny is a Huge Bonus.
Everyone likes that friend who can make them laugh. In an awkward situation all can appreciate a friend who is able to lighten the situation with some humour. Alternatively if you are like me and cannot possibly manage to be funny, making fun of yourself also works. You do not have to completely embarrass yourself, but poking fun at something you did earlier in the week/no one will ever let go of can also help.

4. Mixing Drinks=Best Friends
If you are able to mix drinks extremely well you should never worry about your place within a group. You are so critical to the group that they can never let you go. The ability to mix drinks (well) is a difficult one and once a group of friends finds out one of their friends excels in this field you are pretty much golden. Every Friday and Saturday you are the popular kid, and everyone wants a piece of you. Again, if you cannot even manage to mix a drink like myself—finding someone who can may potentially elevate you to Glen Coco status.

5. Being Able to be Flexible
Realizing that plans change and that not everything will always work out is vital within a friend group. If you cannot get mad at your friends for changing/cancelling plans and can easily ‘go with the flow’ you’re fine. Every friend group needs an individual who can adapt to whatever plans are being changed without complaining. If you are someone who constantly complains about plans being altered you may want to change this immediately. Complaining will not get you to Glen Coco levels of cool.

Being yourself is also a great alternative to any of these things. I’m sure your friends like you for who you are. But, c’mon, who doesn’t want to be Glen Coco…even for a night?